TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you didnt know i had herpes?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize