U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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