My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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