M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i believe in u and ur pee
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
