You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
