You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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