Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
