Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sext me about skeletons
Holy shit dude........stairs
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