I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
