It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
