Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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