it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
