I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
