as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
