Umm I'm too high to move.
Welp...herpes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
