Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
