he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
