Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
