I didn't shave. On purpose
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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