you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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