You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
