So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
