i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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