im so drunk with asians
where?
always
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
