3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
