i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
