you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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