I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
