Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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