1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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