When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
FUCK WHALES
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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