I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
