If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
