Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
