my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
