i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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