the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Shame - the story of my life.
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