So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
