Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Buhtt sex?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
