My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
