You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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