We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
