Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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