So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
