Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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