apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
