So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
