The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
