I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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