Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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