So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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