she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
