sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize