just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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