Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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