Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
