my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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