"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
