Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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