My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize