His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i believe in u and ur pee
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
